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1. The Language of Choice
-I, you, and we language and the language of responsibility were addressed in chapter five, but the words that come after these pronouns matter too.
-Responsible communication reflects choices, rather than obligation. The wording focuses on decisions made (ex. will, going to), not grudging acquiescence (ex. should, have to).
-In the language of invitational communication, empowering words identify your freedom to make choices. In essence,
you're inviting yourself to take charge of your decisions.
-ex. rewording goals can help you perceive them differently
-Once you've adopted the language of choice for yourself, consider what it's like to offer that same choice and freedom to others: "You should" becomes "I'm going to" (and you can join me if you want); "You have to" becomes "You're welcome to"; "We can't" becomes "I don't want to" (do you?).
-One study found that when a request is followed by the phrase "but you are
free to say no," respondents are actually more likely to comply with the request. The concept is simple: People don't like feeling pressured or having their options limited or prescribed.
-The goal of invitational communication is to genuinely offer freedom of choice, which people value and appreciate. Recognize that your perspective might not be shared by others, so offer it in a way that invites rather than imposes.
2. Responding Nondefensively to Criticism
-Two methods: seek more
information or agree with the critic.
-Method 1 - Seek More Information: seek to truly understand what the other person has said before responding. Even comments that on first consideration appear to be totally unjustified or foolish may contain important truths. One way to seek more information is asking for specifics and inviting them to explain their position more clearly - which can facilitate meaningful change in behaviors and relational satisfaction. Keep your tone of voice civil to
avoid appearing ingenuine in wanting to understand the other person and why they're upset with you. Sometimes your critics won't be able to define precisely the behavior they find offensive—or they may be reluctant to tell you. In these cases, it's helpful to guess at the specifics of a complaint. This must be done with goodwill if it's going to be effective. Another strategy is to draw out confused or reluctant speakers by para-phrasing their thoughts and feelings, using reflective listening
skills.
-Method 2 - Agree With The Critic: you can acknowledge and accept another person's point of view while still maintaining your position. One way to agree with the critic is to agree with the truth. You do this when another person's criticism is factually correct. In this way, you don't pretend you're perfect, demean yourself, or find it necessary to justify your errors (necessarily, depends on the circumstances, but in other words, you don't make excuses and you just accept the truth,
leading to more open communication on the topic). Once you acknowledge this, your communication can become more invitational. You can also agree in principle. Criticism often comes in the form of abstract ideals against which you're unfavorably compared. In these cases, you can agree with the principle behind them (and acknowledge that in your communication) but still behave as you have been. After all, some rules do allow occasional exceptions, and people often are inconsistent. What about
times when there seems to be no basis whatsoever for agreeing with your critics? You've listened carefully and asked questions to make sure you understand the objections, but the more you listen, the more positive you are that they are totally out of line. In these cases, you can at least agree with the critic's perception. Such responses tell critics that you're acknowledging the reasonableness of their perceptions, even though you don't agree or wish to change your behavior. This helps you
avoid debates over who's right and who's wrong, which can turn an ex-change of ideas into an argument.
All these responses to criticism may appear to buy peace at the cost of denying your feelings. But counterattacking only makes things worse. These invitational responses won't solve problems or settle disputes on their own, but they will make a constructive dialogue possible, setting the stage for a productive solution.